Welp,
Cheers to a new year and hopefully turning over a new leaf, or possibly even shifting gears. This year, I’m looking forward to nothing. That’s right—absolutely nothing. OK, maybe a few things… like where my career goes, seeing that I recently secured a job at my local radio station. Depending on how that goes, whether I will start my doctorate program and become the first Dr. in my family. Dr. Rockwell does have a ring to it that I feel will not only make me proud, but my Ma and Pop proud, along with other members of my family. But, meh. So!
What I really desire, or have desired, has been to find my divine counterpart. Sounds mystical, right? Well, going on my 33rd year of celibacy is, in fact, mystical—almost mythical. Like, how tf did I even get here? I’m a Rockwell, dammit! To be honest, making the vow of celibacy until marriage at 13 was just a mere deflection from my sexuality in Sunday school that faithful day—a feeling that I know all too well. Pastors taught us to wait on sex by waiting on God. Those sermons I paid close attention to, although they weren’t really catered to me as a “homosexual.” Truth is, I hate the label. My identity is found in Christ, and therefore I don’t believe God makes mistakes (Genesis 1:27). He knows ALL of His creations, from the crown of our heads to the soles of our feet (Psalm 139:13–14). We belong to Him.
I want to belong to someone but not be owned by anyone but God! I think that’s why my parents’ marriage was so successful. They put God as the head of their marriage, but my Ma didn’t own my Dad, and my Dad didn’t own my Ma. But, hey, they did make eternal vows to belong to each other. Through it all, they believed in the staying power of love (Psalm 139:13–14).
I guess I’m looking for an old-school love in the shitstorm of a new world. Most days, I feel like an alien to the outside world and dating. Tuh! No wonder nobody dated in the Bible—they just said fuck it and jumped in. I’m too practical for that, or maybe I just haven’t found “the one.” But what does finding the one entail?
I’ve never dated, and I’ve never mated, but I’ve found fulfillment in other things like my family, music, art, and philosophy. Still, I have to admit something is missing: love—true love. I’m not lonely, but I have been alone for quite some time. The only time I truly have to sit in the agony of loneliness is from November to February of each year. Shit’s gruesome, definitely, but sometimes God isolates you so you can find the pleasure of intimacy with Him alone. God has kept me warm and sane on many nights, but to be seen, felt, and understood in the physical, I believe, will be well, magical.
A girl can dream right?
One question I often get asked is how I’ve stayed celibate for so long. My rebuttal: grounding, prayer, and a healthy relationship with masturbation. Then people ask, What does healthy masturbation look like? Anything free of sexual immorality. So, can you, in fact, turn yourself on and not feel weird about it? I used to be shy about it, and quite frankly—fuck that. If you can’t find yourself sexy, can someone else fully make you feel sexy? Maybe. I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that my choice has scared everyone I’ve intended to date. I used to get sad about it, but it just pushed me deeper into self. No pun intended. Ha!
Anywhooo—celibacy at 33 compared to 13 means creation. Channeling, if you will. At 13, I hooped and played basketball to shake off my hormones. Now, I still may hoop, but I sing. I make love to my music—every nuance, every hi-hat, no stone unturned. It keeps me sane on days when my hormones are raging and the world is far too loud. As for desire, it’s information. It’s not sinful; it’s human. I believe embodiment, longing, and holiness can all coexist. What you choose to do with your desire is up to you. For me, channeling has helped—but I can feel my body changing each year, and therefore my desire.
This year, I’m hoping to experience the actuality of love instead of just the idea of it. But then again, my life doesn’t run on my timing—it runs on God’s. But, I am hopeful.
